can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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