I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
