; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize