im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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