I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
