I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
