I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
