I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
