Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize