I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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