So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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