ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
