I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
