The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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