I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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