I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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