ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
