i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
is that a dick in a sweater?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
