Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
