woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
