At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
pop tarts are not kleenex
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
