Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize