It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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