every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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