Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize