My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
