I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
