You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
