I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
