mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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