I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize