my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
