the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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