It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
