How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
