We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
