oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize