How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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