He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
