things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
