i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
