i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
then he tried to convert me to islam
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
