Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
