i dont even know how to be here
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
