I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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