oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
