What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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