it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
