he thought i was a dude.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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