My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
