I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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