After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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