well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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