it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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