Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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