You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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