why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize
