Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
