When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
