I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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